'Now she knows'

I've wanted to post about this for a wee while now. For some reason, I haven't. I have been busy. I am still sick. I just didn't have the words.

If you're a person who enjoys reading, there has probably been a text that when you first read it you knew it was for you. You identified with it. I am not talking of sympathy. I am talking about the words on the page, being spilled from your own heart.

Until earlier this year I had not experienced this. It wasn't until I borrowed this book from my local library, as it was prescribed for one of my University papers that I stumbled across this. I had the book issued to me and thumbed it over in the car.

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I had no idea what to expect. As we drove home, I skimmed through more pages. A few lines jumped off the page at me. I could skim no more. I was hooked. I couldn't believe my eyes.

We pulled in to the driveway and parked. Rain drops trickled down the windows of the now steamy car. Tear drops trickled down my face as I read a poem aloud to Brad. He laughed, as he often does when I cry over seemingly simple things. He asked why I was crying. I answered, "Because this is what I feel. This could be about me. This has been me. I didn't know other people felt this way". He went inside and left me alone with my thoughts - and the book. I read, more and more. Karlo Mila, Alice Te Punga Somerville, Albert Wendt and Selina Tusitala Marsh, all of these writer's I'd never heard of, reaching in to their hearts and their heads and putting it all out there. For people like me to read, and to cry over.

All my life I had been labelled as the 'sensitive one'. When it came to Maori history and cultural issues I was particularly sensitive. Friends thought it was weird that I cried during Whale Rider, with a sob so strong, you'd have thought I was there. Other people made me feel strange about it, like I was the only one. Reading this book, these poems showed me that I am not now, nor will I ever be alone in these feelings. 

The paper that I was reading Mauri Ola for is now over. Sadly. When I finish University, I know that I will look back on that paper as being definitively life changing. As Karlo Mila writes, to read these poems, it feels exactly like "a needle in my heart, piercing and mending" at the same time. And it is only just the beginning. If Mauri Ola is in your local library I strongly suggest you take a peek. Although it may not have the same life changing effect as it did on my, I am certain it will be eye opening.